devanitie

""Everything will turn out well, I promise."
The child said nothing. I sighed again.
"In any case," I went on, "if you don't like it over there, we can always come back."
This time she looked at me questioningly.
"Yes, I promise," I said. "If you don't like it over there, we'll come straight back. But we must try it and see if we like it there. I'm sure we will."

We all lie to ourselves.
One way, or another...

Perhaps the one of my dreams just is.
Nothing more.
Definitely much less.

Where are the Catherine Earnshaws and Heathcliffs of this world.
Deliver me from this please, I beg of you.

"Two wasted lives - his, and mine. And I am come to this! Will it drive me out of my mind?. . . But I'll shake it off. Yes, I will shake it off! No one shall know my suffering. I'll be bitterly merry, and ironically gay, and I'll laugh in derision."

Eustacia Vye in Hardy's The Return of the Native

I love this.

Happy in the club with a bottle of red wine
Stars in our eyes 'cause we're having a good time
Eh eh, so happy I could die
Be your best friend yeah I love you forever,
Up in the clouds we're both higher than ever
Eh eh, so happy I could die
And it's all right

Out of prudence, I've decided to censor and privatise my previous entry on the more domestic issues of life.

So It's been a very, varied week for me. I could almost say that as good as my week has been, there has been an equal number of. . . unfortunate incidents. Been walking a lot I must say. My post jogging routine thingy with Audrey, and those long long long walks with XJ wherever life takes us, have been rather. . . I don't know, fulfilling ? I love walking as much as I love said company.

Exams start on Tuesday and I'm literally copying out my lecture notes from IVLE now. Reading module after module on discrimination, the constructions of gender. . . and race. . . and of social injustice just seems to strike a chord with me. I do like what I do, and I've understood injustice well given my position in Singapore. I just find it amusing how certain people seem so oblivious to it, maintaining some warped patriarchal view of the world. Sickening. Okay, I shan't vent this again. Looking forward to starting the week afresh

Tomorrow - Lunch with the Lit girls~ ;)
Tuesday - SC2218: Anthropology of the human condition
Wednesday - Alleged Study session with the Lit people
Thursday: EN3234: Asian-American Literature

Break/slack/club/dota/chilling with my loved ones

Thursday- EN2111: British World texts

And the semester officially comes to an end. December awaits (and hopefully some additional income). Can't wait for it all to end and to spend more time with my dear friends

Somethin interesting happened last night. I swear, sometimes curiousity gets the better of me. Heard meowing whilst I was essaying last night so I went down to check, and to my horror/surprise, I chanced upon a litter of kittens (newborns) at my void deck near the rubbish chutes.

Three kittens. All blind. Newborns. White pretty things, no bigger than a hamster. Abandoned in a box, coated in blood, umbilical cords still attached. One of them, more active than the others I guess, had managed to crawl a few feet away from their place of deposition, so I placed it back amongst it's siblings.

My heart went out to them. But circumstances in my household demand that I wouldn't have been able to bring them in. So I left them there, huddled together for warmth. Basic instinct I guess.
So this morning when I woke up, I found them in my mums room. It wasnt much of a surprise really. If she found them on her own accord, instead of me bringing them to her, that way (technically) I wouldn't be violating the Patricarchy's doctrine of not bringing random animals into the house.

Nevertheless, I'm strongly inclined to think they were abandoned. Seriously, there was a handful of cat biscuits beside them, and they were in a box afterall. So unless the mother died and some kind samaritan responded to their cries,and lacking the responsibility or means to take care of newborns, decided to leave them there, I'm pretty much certain that they were abandoned.
With intent.
And it's cruel if that's the case. To seperate them from their mother. Even if the cat is incapable of taking care of her litter, she'd consume them, or deal with them according to her own instinctual desires. I've seen this before. Mercy killing, whereby a mother literally eats her newborns.

But abandonment for the sake of abandonment is purposeless. It reeks of a desire to avoid responsibility. And making the place of abandonment a lil more comfy, isn't a redeeming factor. Sometimes, circumstances don't provide good enough reasons to triumph over choice and action. It boils down to the responsibility that governs those actions and the will of the individual with regards to his/her choices.


"Simple cowardice. Where could I have gone? I have no family. . . But I was so frightened. . . whenever I thought of leaving, I just saw myself going out there and finding nobody who knew or cared about me. There, that's all my high principles amount to. I feel so ashamed of myself. But I couldnt leave. . . I just couldn't bring myself to leave"

Miss Kenton in Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day

Drizzling again, and I've just asked for an extension on my last Lit essay. I just seem to come up with a topic. Or a title. Or of anything, of interest. Writer's block, perhaps.

Been thinking about the silly antics I find myself doing at times.
Seeing those looks of shock or offense as I go about my doings. I don't do things unintentionally. Who does. But some things aren't complicated. Surprisingly simple at times. Though I know, one day, I'm going to do something that'll seriously backfire on me. Perhaps I'm self-destructive. I don't know.

I've narrowed it down to the part of me that gambles. I'm the gambler. The one with luck swinging either way.
In the game of Russian Roulette, I wonder who'll come out the victor.

So the school semester has come to an end and on a most humourous note, it ended with a recap tute for 19th Century Lit. Apparently that's ALL most of my blogposts and facebook statuses relay. On a sidenote, I do take other modules. But for some reason, this one is unusually fun. The tute that is. Coupled with the constant jokes about Middlemarch.

Needless to say, today was a camwhore day. Like any other if you think about it. Lol.



Of Cheongsams and Shadies: Family portrait much ?



Shadies and Middlemarch in dah Middle
So this is George Eliot's Middlemarch. The book I've never read, but intend to since it's apparently a fantastic work of art. Wanna see what all the hype's about, considering it did come out for mah exam.



The Power of Middlemarch: Eternal Doorstopper



"Roarsss Meowers! I keel you~"
Never leave home without Middlemarch. It may just save your life (or take one).



Middlemarch@Middle of March: Estimated Time of reading completion
We actually didn't notice the whiteboard to begin with. And XH forgot how to spell February. But nevertheless we all get there eventually! =D



Death by Middlemarch
Taking "the letter killeth" to whole new levels

I'll miss this bunch of people. Hopefully by some stroke of fortune, we'll all end up in the same lect/tute grp again next sem.
Literature and Psychoanalysis anyone ?

"Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all"

Alfred, Lord Tennyson's In Memoriam

Omg I love her. Her wardrobe and her sense of expression is utterly fascinating. I love the scene with the diamonds. And the scene where the man on the bed is engulfed by fire. Poetic license no doubt. Lol
But I do hope that that's a faux polar bear. ;)


I want your love and I want your revenge. I can actually relate.


"May you not rest, as long as I am living. You said I killed you -haunt me, then. . . Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you. . ."

Heathcliff in Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights

They say that the truth sets you free.


"In the chill hours of the morning twilight, when all was dim around her, she awoke - not with any amazed wondering where she was or what had happened, but with the clearest consciousness that she was looking into eyes of sorrow. She rose, and. . . seated herself in a great chair where she had often watched before. .  she had waked to a new condition: she felt as if her soul had been liberated from its terrible conflict; she was no longer wrestling with her grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts, For now the thoughts came thickly. It was not in Dorothea's nature, for longer than the duration of a paroxysm, to sit in the narrow cell of her calamity, in the besotted misery of a consciousness that only sees another's lot as an accident of its own."

19th Century Lit exam tomorrow. And the first half of the paper is going to be fill-in-the-blanks. Lol.
Ah Vanitas vanitatum, Ah Fie, Ah brave new world, Ah f*ck la, Ah D Pan~

Typical University level discussion

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I'm staring at Vanity fair notes feeling bored

celine * says:
 og
 HAHA
 i think i better look at tennyson and arnold and middlemarch first
 im almost clueless for these two texts

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 LOL
 Oh myyyy

celine * says:
 what's arnold's full name
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Matthew ?
 LOL
celine * says:
 oops
 okay!

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I dont know lei
celine * says:
 ahaha i think i knew that
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 You better double check

celine * says:
 i think its correct lah

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Vanity Fair is like some freaking soap opera
celine * says:
 better wiki when he wrote what poem and nonsense
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I scribbled "10k" beside Miss Crawleys name
 =X

celine * says:
 why?

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I think she had moolah, then her family like wants it and shit
 Omg
 Are we lit majors
 =X

celine * says:
 HAHAHAA
 omg
 yes we are
 we just dont read
 thats all
 
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 SHAMELESS
 No integrity
 -wags finger-

celine * says:
 pls look in the mirror as you do that

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Hahahaha
 Dont confuse me with Lacanian psychoanalysis
celine * says:
 lols
 1853
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Eh I havent READ Middlemarch
 How ar

celine * says:
 arnold published preface to poems
 RMB. 1853
 hahaa

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 HAHAHA
celine * says:
 i also havent read it yet

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 1847 WH, 1847-1848 -VF, 1895 JTO~
 I remember the weirdest things
 Like Jude the obscure being burnt upon publication

celine * says:
 omg cool
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Haha, are we Lit majorsssssssssssssssssssss

celine * says:
 eh how many versus did in memorium have

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 HAHAHAHA
 10 million

celine * says:
 HAHA
 oy

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 How I know?!
 LOL

celine * says:
 later tmr i write there 10 million
 HAHA
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Give some weird number
 10,018,198,19
 Okay is that 10million
 Oh shot
 shit
 Maths fail
 D=
 Thats 100 million
 Aiyah, the dude spent 17 years writing it

celine * says:
 AHAHA
 what's the original title of the poem

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 In Memorian AHH right ?

celine * says:
 nooo
 the way of the soul
 HAHA

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Hahaha
celine * says:
 credits to wiki
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 REALLY how you know
celine * says:
 WIKI
 
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Wiki doesnt say it
 Oh oops
 It does
 =D
celine * says:
 yahh
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Eyes fail

celine * says:
 what's A.H.H

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Alfred Horny Hitchcock
 LOL
 i DUNNNOOOO

celine * says:
 HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
 i dont know either

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Arthur Hallem
 In Memoriam A.H.H. is a poem by the English poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson, completed in 1849. It is a requiem for the poet's Cambridge friend Arthur Henry Hallam,

celine * says:
 oh yahh
 HAHA

The thing about dota being an open portal to all with workable limbs and the internet, is that you can find some of the more annoying forms of human existence. I swear, my banlist swells exponentially during the secondary school holidays. Sigh. I honestly don't remember being as such when I was in my teens. Contrary to popular belief, I was (and still am) a paramount of virtue and innocence. I suppose times have changed.


Post-Dota convo on idiocy

James says:
 jesus christ

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I k r
 So annoying

James says:
 ban
* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Done~

James says:
 and potm too
 next time we shall not dota until 12

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Does tt mean another round later ?

James says:
lol perhaps
 honestly

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I k r
 He took my aegis cos I'm your friend

James says:
 yeah i'm like absolutely speechless

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 His justification was that you're rude
 Like seriously
 I blame meningitis
 And useless parents

James says:
 and school
 they apparently don't teach proper english anymore

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 I know right
 I thought one had to pass English to go to tertiary ed
 Oh well, looks like we may have to migrate sooner than you think
 I'll pack the bags
 You rob Irene
 And rob Edward too cos he stays in landed property

Sweet no.

She only said, "The night is dreary,
He cometh not", she said;
She said, "I'm aweary, aweary,
I would that I were dead!"

Found this in Tennyson's Mariana in the Moated Grange. It sort of has an existential, "waiting for Godot" sort of resonance to it. But that sense of waiting, of knowing yet waiting, for that someone to come, just tears me apart. I'm tired. Though when I look at others, a very dear friend of mine for example, I feel as though my own selfishness seems trivial. Childish almost.
But yes, I am tired. Tired  and ******. A potent combination of sorts. Alienated. Poetry speaks to me. A harmonizing tune in my discordant thoughts.

Ever had one of those days when everything just seems to go wrong ? My own character traits backfiring on me. Sometimes I wonder at the things I do, or say for that matter. . It's like intentionally shooting a mirror at close range, with the possiblity of a ricocheting bullet.
Click Bang Crack and back again... A punctured lung. A punctured heart. And before you know it, you breathe your last breath.
Wrong pronoun. More like, "I".

My mouth is more instinctive than controlled.
One day, the apologies are bound to go unheeded.

Sometimes I feel like divorcing myself from my Self. Who am I anyway. People have the luxury of drawing on the discourse of their cultures. What do I have ? If history sets the path for the future, where then am I heading. In a world where everything is fixed, I don't belong.
I scream. I cry. I rant. I whine. I bitch. I joke. I tease. I mock.
I want to be heard. Not dismissed. Impacting lives, instead of being regulated away. Silenced by a pervasive norm.
Call me loud, but what else do I have.

I love the ones I spend time with. And I remember the ones that once graced my life.
Though sometimes I wonder if the things I do matter at all.
Maybe D Pan was right. Those necessary fictions we adhere to, like wanting to impact lives, could just be delusions. A means by which individuals get by each day. Because life is. No expectations. Because circumstances coerce. And our wills are limited. As are our opportunities.
But what of faith. Or would it be hubris to claim faith. I don't know. Faith in yourself. I don't know.

"Then she said, "I am dreary,
He will not come", she said;
She wept, "I am aweary, aweary,
Oh God, that I were dead"
Alfred Tennyson's Mariana in the Moated Grange

Busy Busy week. I've actually lost track of the time much to my consternation when I mistook today for Thursday. That aside, these past few days have been rather interesting. Spent most of it with XJ, Edward and dear Jojo. In order to make some sense of my fragmented state of mind, I thought it'd be apt for me to detail the past three days chronologically and event-wise here. There's nothing like opening a discerning window to the past.

So my exams are next week (19th Century Lit and culture) and I've been intending to study. Which I did accomplish today I might add. Jude the Obscure and Wuthering Heights.
But on Wednesday night, whilst I was reading Tennyson, my sporadic communication with Ryu led me down to the Pan Pacific at Godspeed to assist him in some event management stuff.
Utterly random.
But I've my reasons for goin down. A strange agglomeration of selfishness and selflessness, as paradoxical as that seems. Somehow the thought of staying home reading poetry on entrapment and alienation just struck a chord, and I found the outcome at the Pan Pac rather fun.
Some fascinating bunch of people, and Ryu never fails to amuse.

Thursday was strange. It was as though duality suddenly decided permeated circumstance.
Rained, like it was the end of all things, on my way to school. Got mildly soaked, though not as bad as Melissa. And D Pan made a jest at my smoking. Which I swear was the last thing I would be late for under such circumstances.
But the tutorial was fun. Very fun in fact.
Our underground MSN conversation via the lap tops and my handphone. I had to gag myself when Vincent (or was it Jerry) made this hilarious claim, which I shan't mention here. For politically sensitive reasons no doubt.
I'll miss this class most def. Celine especially, with our CJ spirit. (Omg noodle king soon yea. And Psychoanalysis next sem LAWL)

Met up with Jojo after meeting James at NUS Law. I felt as though I was waltzing around with a celebrity. He kept getting all these stares from odd looking lawr folk.
Had dinner with XJ and met back up with Jojo and Edward to head down to Tiong Bahru where we disturbed public tranquility with our antics. And deviant sand drawing, which I took the liberty of uploading to facebook. I daresay it's rather crude. But what the heck.

Study day today. The first time I've used the new library.
Followed by 5 hours of LAN gaming.

So I've detailed the last three days with the intention of pondering on the flurry of emotions that belie them. I suppose my coming home late has fragmented by state of consciousness.
In retrospect . . .

"And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear."
Alfred Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott

I stumbled across this amusing local porn clip today on *****. Needless to say, I had to give this dude his 5 secs of fame, so I spammed my friends on MSN to like gather comments. Since I think it's illegal to like put up such links here, the video, in a nutshell, shows this rather hunky boy dancing, doing a striptease with a mop culminating with what I think is a dry cumshot.
If any of you want the link, please feel free to MSN me <3 God knows I need more companionship in these wee hours.

Conversation between two Divine creatures of the night on said video


* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Some people have such weird porn
-censored porn link-
 I mean seriously
 Look at this

Empty Bed; Devoid Of Toys says:
 maybe he gets hard watching his mom wash up
 =\
 beats me
 did you actually sit through 16 minutes and 27 seconds =.=

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 Oh no la
 As in, I kept skipping to the good bits
 LOL

Empty Bed; Devoid Of Toys says:
 ya i'm dragging the thing through, too
 is his junk considered big

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 His cock ?
 Okay la
 Reasonable
 Hahahahaha

Empty Bed; Devoid Of Toys says:
 why so wet looking sia
 he's like wobbling it around wtshit

* Keith * If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for says:
 HAHAHA, pre cum my dear.

Empty Bed; Devoid Of Toys says:
 eeyer =.=

Singaporeans can be so amusing at times.